I remember when it was just the two of us. If the house was quiet, or if the house was loud, it was because that's how we wanted it to be. Ours were the only whims to be considered. I remember back when it was sunny all the time, when nothing could stop me. If I truly have everything I've ever wanted, how can I feel so sad all the time?
It's possible I wasn't completely aware of exactly how literally they meant it when they said, "children change everything". Everything. EVERY THING. I typed that really slowly, so read it slowly, okay? And loudly. EVERYTHING.
I find myself mad or sad at the end of the day, or in the middle of the day, or as I'm waking up, and sometimes I'm rational enough to think, "What exactly is making me feel mad/sad right now? What am I mad at? What is making me sad?" and there's almost never an actual real reason. There's never any one thing I can put my finger on, just a general sense of hopelessness, a feeling of being overwhelmed, of being pissed off over being inconvenienced or put out in some miniscule made-up way.
A lot of it boils down to time, or lack of it. There just aren't enough hours in the day to do all of the things. And because there are children, there are many more things that need to be done, and because there are children, the logistics of getting those things done becomes a bit hairy at times. All the time. Every time. I swear it feels like trying to run in quicksand; trying to get this mess cleaned up while stopping them from making that mess or making this mess worse, but you didn't catch the dog jumping up and taking half of the lunch off the counter, so you have to start that process over again...it never ends, and it starts with the quickness of starters pistol and doesn't pause until at least 15 minutes after you've decided maybe you just are terrible at making your kids go to sleep. I feel like a million bucks when I make it to the gym, even if it's just 30 minutes. That's time I got to focus on me, just me, no one else needing me or wanting my attention. If I was a New Year's Resolutions sort of gal, i'd insert some stereotypical line here about how I'm totally gonna go to the gym more this year. I have great intentions in this department, resolutions or no. Me Time.
I gotta spend more time being thankful, though. Less time bitching and more time playing and loving and thanking and hugging. I love this life and I wouldn't change it or trade it; for a long time my biggest fear was that this would never be my reality.
