We were getting along swimmingly, and then I think she gave my nipples the thrush. Suddenly my right nipple felt like it was being pierced when she ate - I've cried a lot in the last few days. And then her latch got lazy - she only wants the top half, thank you very much, you can keep that bottom part. Except that's excruciating. So we're relearning our nursing manners. I've cried a lot in the last few days.
It's overwhelming that I'm the only one who can feed her. I feel like I'm with her every second of every day and that I never get a break. I remind myself that a baby is what I wanted, and that this is part of what it means to have a baby. I look into her sweet face and count my blessings again - but I'm so tired. Two of the last three nights have been really rough (have I mentioned how much I've cried?). Thankfully, she seems to know right when I've hit my limit, and she magically goes to sleep - for 3 or 4 hours. So she's working me. I get that now. She's training me. It's rough training, man.
Jimi tries to help, but I understand why he says he feels helpless, useless - there's just not a lot he can do. I think he's sick of fetching me water and snacks, and I feel guilty every time I ask for another favor, but I'm stuck where I am, you know? I try to get him to change as many diapers as possible, not to pass off the task, but so he can get some face time in with his daughter - of course, she hates having her diaper changed, so in his mind she's starting to associate him with horrible things, like a cold hooha. And some nights nothing will console her but a nipple, and his don't fit the bill - and I get jealous as hell watching him over on the couch, able to get up and move around all nimbly pimbly whenever he likes. I squash down my feelings of resentment - it's not his fault he can't feed her.
I wonder how we'll ever get on enough of a schedule for me to go back to work in 4 weeks. I wonder how I'll ever manage to leave her in the care of someone else for 9 hours a day. This mom shit is serious bidness, yo.
:( Yup, motherhood ain't easy... I'm sure you've got the hang of the feeding by now but the best tip I got was to flip up my nipple with my finger and only when the baby's mouth was at the bottom of my nipple I released it and plop, the whole thing went in (hope that explanation makes sense! :) It's hard not to feel like just a milk machine for the first few months but after that they get faster at eating. I have to say I don't understand why mothers in the US have to go back to work so soon after having babies. I know it's not a choice but the way the system is set up there but I wonder when it's going to change...
ReplyDeleteOh man, hang in there hon. BFing is hard at first for the majority of moms...but it really DOES get easier. You'll get to a point that her mouth is bigger for an easier latch and it will just feel COMFORTABLE for both of you. You can do this!
ReplyDeleteAlso, I went to work at 8w, and I thought I was going to die and HOW would anyone else watch my baby as well as I could?! Then I realized that it made me count down the minutes until I saw her instead of counting down the minutes until her nap (score!), plus daycare helped her get into a routine of eating every 3 hrs instead of every 1-2 (nice for Mommy sanity).
You'll make it!
Just because you wanted her so much doesn't mean you can't acknowledge that it's hard and overwhelming. Hang in there. Your little family will find its way.
ReplyDeleteI breastfed my daughter for 3 months. She preferred my right breast rather than my left, but she did what she was suppose to do once we both got the hang of it. I didn't want to go to work once my maturity leave was up at 14 weeks (yes 14. I had a lot of PTO and sick leave built up. I had orginally asked for 12, but my supervisor told me since I had a c-section, I was able to take an additional 2 weeks because it was considered a surgery). It has it's moments, but you will be fine. Have you pumped? If you have maybe let Jimi take over some of the feedings while you have some mommie time? I hated going back to work, but once you both get on a schedule it will work out. You doing fine!
ReplyDeleteSore nipples are the worst.... getting that whole areola in to that little mouth so they can nurse, not suck the nipple is hard!!! Then to relax so your milk let's down when it hurts.... and my milk was so much richer (the hind milk) and if I didn't relax they would only get the beginning milk which made the little buggers hungry....
ReplyDeleteI drank a shot of red wine! LOL! I swear, that's what I did and it helped.
And I wish I could tell old Jim how important he is, not useless at all. His big old arms could hold you as you nursed. That love flows through. Those little baby eyes can see daddy loving momma. And every kiss he gives to momma baby feels. That's my opinion.... I could be wrong.... but ask my 25 year old daughter.... she loves her daddy and that gal was breast fed for over a year with no solids until 11 months. :-)