22.1 - This week I learn to love spaghetti squash

11 inches long and weighing in at a pound, our baby is the size of a spaghetti squash this week.  I can't believe something so large is inside me - it's mind-blowing to think about.  I like going to the grocery and holding the fruit/vegetable she's being compared to against my belly, and just imagining.  It was awesome when she was the size of a blueberry, and now she's as big as a squash.  Crazy!

The saga of the raccoon has ended.  Jimi killed it dead, and yesterday its remains were removed from my attic and now we're going to live happily ever after without wildlife in our upstairs.  I'm thrilled. 

I think my nesting is kicking in - I cleaned the kitchen for 2 hours on Sunday, and I've kept it spotless since.  I know it doesn't sound like much, but for me, it's quite the accomplishment.  I'm ready to tackle the rest of the house now - I want things neat and organized and de-furred.  My aunts are throwing us a wedding celebration on Saturday - having to get the place ready for that is an excellent motivator and excuse to clean everything. 

Jimi was on the phone a few nights back with his cousin Laura, and when she asked about me and how the pregnancy is going, I listened to my husband explain how well it's gone for me the last few months, and then he said, "She seems so much happier - I may just have to keep her pregnant!"  I laughed.  He's right, though.  I am happier, and thinking on his words, in that moment I realized that the burden I've carried fro the last two years, it's gone.  Just like that, I suddenly felt so much lighter.  That is what this happiness, this unbridled giddiness I've been feeling, that's where it's come from - I'm not terrified anymore.  I don't have the fear of infertility anymore.  I don't feel broken.  I feel strong and like this is what I was meant to do, like I was made for this.  My body was made to make this little girl, and look!  We're doing it!  I tried to explain this to Jimi, and he asked, "Was that weighing on you so heavily, Nat?"  "Oh, God, yes.  It was with me every day, every moment.  It was my burden to bear, and I've just realized it's gone and I'm free again." 

No wonder the sun shines brighter, the grass is greener, the trees more vibrant shades of yellow red and orange.  This little girl is changing my world view already, shifting my reality.  I love her so much, and I'm so grateful to get to be her mom.