Sometimes I think about deleting my blog and my facebook page and every other internet thing i have floating around out there that's telling the world my business and the crazy in my head. Sometimes I imagine going off somewhere for days, maybe weeks or months, however long it would take, where no one knows me or has any idea of who i am or what i'm about and starting all over.
Other times I think about how awesome it would be to take off on a vacation and come back to find that my home has been cleaned and organized from top to bottom, and all of my work shit is caught up and current, and I could just walk in and start fresh, without anything holding me back from my maximum potential, because I can just dive right in and keep everything at the status quo. Because sometimes, the shit that needs to be done before I can start relaxing? It seems like too much to even bother with.
I'm frustrated and feeling unappreciated at work. I live in a dichotomy of happy/sad at home because the man I love loves me with everything he has but still won't marry me. I feel a constant guilt for having so fucking much, but still wanting more. I'm drinking and smoking more, and that's not an acceptable salve for my emotional wounds.
I'm okay, I'm confused. I'm happy, I'm depressed. Life is awesome, life is hard. It's all true.
I think the "crazy" and quirks are what make you most normal. EVERYONE has crazies, quirks, and insecurities. Most of us just aren't brave enough to admit to them- even to ourselves!! No one has a perfect life. You just have to take a step back occasionally and kind of inventory what you have and where you are. Then compare it to your perfect and make the choice. Go after the perfect, or accept the reality. There's nothing wrong with either choice, but there are pros and cons either way.
ReplyDeleteThat was a lot of talk. Sorry. I actually just wanted to say hi, and that my crazies love your crazies.
Yes. Yes. Yes. I feel you.
ReplyDeleteHang in there.
My opinion, yeah because you asked, (insert eye roll here) I think it's perfectly okay to continue to strive for/want more from life as long as you continue to be aware of and grateful for all that you're already blessed with.
ReplyDeleteI understand completely where you are coming from...
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