pretend this is my first post of 2012

GAH!

i just don't have any words, i guess.  got nothing to say.  not a thing.

i get locked up.  i have all these thoughts inside my head, but when it comes to putting them here, in words, i get stuck.  i can't say anything, and everything i try to say comes out all wrong and dumb and so i delete it or just flip back to facebook and pretend i didn't have anything i wanted to blog about anyhow.

which i don't, or i'd do it.  i think.

i'm four days late and not pregnant.  there's no way i can possibly convey how thoroughly this is fucking with my head.  i thought i might have been, for a second.  thought maybe our timing was right.  maybe i'd be huge this summer.  i had a dream, you see - there was a little fat baby boy in my living room under my love tree and in front of my fireplace at christmastime, and i was confused, because, of course, there's no baby.  but then i turned (still dreaming), and i was facing myself in the mirror, and i had a realization:  i'm pregnant, it's a boy, and his name is braden.  it seemed crazy when i woke up (i'd never name my boy braden, unless i had turned out to be knocked up, in which case it would've seemed dangerous to name him something else), but it also gave me a niggling hope in the back of my mind.  false hope, turns out, which is typical, but this four days late thing is mean and i hate it and i just want to get the fucking thing over with already.

and today my boss fired the dude who replaced the last guy who left - remember a few months ago when i was all "yay!  opportunity!"?  well, it's turned into a lot of extra work that's resulted in me feeling, again, like i suck at my job because i don't have enough time in a day to get it all done.  i had these awesome plans to take us on an awesome vacation when i get my bonus this year, but i didn't accomplish any of my goals for the year, well maybe one, so the bonus i was counting on is right out the window and so's that awesome vacation.  and what's the point anyhow, because when i'm on vacation, i still have to check emails and take phone calls and go into the office to do billing, so what's the fucking point?  may as well just go to work.  and now he's fired the guy who was taking up at least a little of the slack over there and joked "ready to do some more work?"  ha ha.  hi-fucking-larious.  i'm terrified i'm going to end up laughing my way to the poor house when i quit or the nut hatch because i stay - actually, i've got insurance that covers mental breakdowns - and if it was work-induced, that'd be a worker's comp thing, right?  hmm...

i shouldn't joke about mental illness, but i was feeling pretty good until i started writing all this shit that's been bothering me, and now i'm crying again.  i think i've got the winter blues bad.  i don't even have a real reason to be sad - boo hoo, poor me, i have this job with lots of responsibility and a steady income that i can spend however i wish because i don't have any kids that have to be diapered and put into daycare.

i am crazy, aren't i?  fuck.

may as well throw it all out there - part of my dive into the sads was in part due to the fact that there was no proposal this past holiday season.  i had that hope in the back of my head too, like the baby thing, whispering at me from the dark hidden corners of my mind where i force shit like that to go and live.  i asked for a will for christmas, one that protects my interest in our home if he dies.  i told him it was the only thing i wanted.  when i learned it wasn't going to be under the tree, i allowed my dumbass to think, for a moment, that maybe he had something better planned?  nope.  he just didn't get around to getting a will made.  fuck.  he's not the type to disappoint me, but i was disappointed, and hurt, and very deeply sad.

this is getting borderline too personal, and for me to recognize that probably means i should stop writing about it.

so yeah.  that's where my head has lived for the past week or so.  while i was sick.  at home.  on "vacation", with no computer.

mostly.  that's mostly where my head has lived.  there's been good, too.  like, i've taken finn for a walk every day this year, except monday because it was bitterly windy and cold and i just couldn't bring myself to do it.  i haven't smoked since monday, either, which is awesome and GO ME!  and i got on the scale the this morning and i'm down to 169 - that's the lowest number i've seen on a scale in, oh, i don't know, like 8 years?  GO ME!  i'm encouraged and feel like losing another 25 lbs maybe isn't impossible...i lost that much in 2011, i could do it again in 2012, right?  and i know he loves me; he shows me every single day, in a hundred little and huge ways.  and we spent new year's eve with angie at the chinese restaurant featuring a mix of mad men and jersey shore clientele and then shot off six bottle rockets in the front yard at midnight, and we spent new year's day with my momma at the flea market.  and my house is pretty clean.  and we did get the computer back.  and i've got like 6 bottles of wine from trader joe's, and i can drink it all if i want because i ain't preggo.  (but i won't, because i really do see a correlation between teh booze and teh fat.  i lose more weight when i don't drink an extra 600 calories each night.  duh.)

life is good.  it is.  it gets hard sometimes, and then i get sad, and then i come here to bitch and cry and whine and moan, and then i remember how good it is, even when it's hard.

happy new year, people who are awesome.