One of these days, I won't have to lock myself in the bathroom and have a little cry when I learn a friend is expecting.
Right?
It's not all about YOU, Natalie.
The last time Jimi and I had a come-to-Jesus about fertility and pregnancy and potential parenthood, I explained my feelings toward Stacy these days - "I watch her rub her little baby bump and I'm so happy for her, I'm so glad they finally are getting the one thing they wanted so badly, but at the same time, I'm so jealous I can hardly see straight." It's true.
A few months back, a friend sent me a very kind message in response to one of my "omg what if i never get pregnant" posts and confessed she and her husband were trying to conceive, and that she was scared because nothing had happened yet. I was touched that she reached out to me on this very personal matter, (and flattered, as I always am, that someone is reading my blog - especially someone I know in real life!), and I offered her the sincerest words of encouragement. Today, she announced her pregnancy on Facebook. I gasped, "Ellen's pregnant" and Kim was all OMG until she realized I was talking about someone we know, not ELLEN. I'm so happy for my friend, I really am. I got a little teary-eyed, remembering our conversation, and how I'd just been thinking about her yesterday and wondering if they'd had any luck yet.
And then I got sad for myself and had to go to the bathroom and have a little cry. And then I felt like a complete asshole, because IT'S NOT ALL ABOUT YOU, NATALIE.
Her happiness has nothing to do with me.
I hate that I made getting pregnant a New Year's resolution. I hate it so fucking hard.
I hate that I'm only saying that because it didn't happen for us this year.
I hate that I don't know if it'll ever happen. I hate that this shit makes me all sad and cry-y.
I don't want to care. I want to be completely fine if I never have a child. I want it to be okay.
I know it will be okay, no matter what, but I don't want to be so fucking scared of it.
I'm thrilled for my friend, I am.
But right this second, for reasons I can't explain or justify, I'm sad for me. I can't help it.
Absolutely, totally understandable to have such mixed feelings. Of course you're thrilled for your friend. And of course it hurts like hell when it's something you so desperately wish for yourself. Have the cry when you need to - nothing good comes of trying to hold it in.
ReplyDeleteIt is your life, so it IS about you! Don't feel bad for your feelings... I have totally been where you are at and my stress levels only decreased once I started going to a fertility clinic and was poked and prodded on a regular basis - I finally felt like someone cared and was interested and on my side to make this baby happen :)
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