My boobs have that heavy, sore, full feeling. I remember it. It's not the same as "my nipples are tender because I'm about to start my period".
The dreams. The lack of sleep.
That's really all. I'm so not pregnant. I tell myself I don't want to be, but I want to be. Oh, I want to be.
I took a test at lunch today; negative, of course, but I imagined I could almost see a line there. Almost. Not quite, but almost.
But I'm not. I'm not. No way.
Probably not.
Right?
*****************
That was Monday night. Last night, my questions were answered in the form of cramps that were so severe I thought I'd throw up from the pain. Advil, heating pad, home remedies - nothing touched it. (That's not normal, thank goodness, and they are back to only mildly annoying this morning.)
I need you to tell me I'm not going to do this shit every month. I need you to tell me that one of these days my period will approach without me comparing every symptom to the way my body felt for that week 8 months ago when I, for a moment, experienced something new. Even when I know our timing wasn't such that would've lead to a baby, my brain still takes over in the last days of each cycle, causing me to analyze every twinge or cramp. I want to feel my body getting ready for menstruation and know that's what it is - not spend days comparing this to that and falsely convincing myself that I'm knocked up again.
I don't want this. I want that, but I don't want this. I don't want to buy stock in dollar store pregnancy tests, but the longer this goes on, the more I think of how much money it'd save.
I just want life to be back to normal. I want to not be crazy. I want to not feel foolish...but that's how I feel when I write shit like I wrote up there. (No, it's not the first time.)
I wish I could fully accept the idea of never having children. If I could convince myself 100% that would be okay, I think things would be easier. That fear of not having a choice - it's permeating everything.
I'm sorry, darlin'.
ReplyDeleteI don't think there is anything I can say to make it all better for you. However, I think that just like a watched pot never boils, you need to just carry on with your daily life and try not to "watch the pot" too much, or else it won't boil.
ReplyDeleteOther than that, I am sorry. But keep your head up. And even it it doesn't work like you want it, sweetie, it will work out one way or the other.
This. This post could have been written by me word for word. The pregnancy tests - I was banned from buying them. The little twinges indicating a pregnancy that wasn't there. Recognising the ridiculousness of it all... but not being able to shut off my brain.
ReplyDeleteI don't know if it goes away. I do know that you're not crazy and if you have to buy 100's of pregnancy tests to stop you from thinking you are pregnant, then go ahead and buy them.
I hope it stops for you soon. I know the pain it causes.
Maybe not this month but myabe next...who knows?!
ReplyDeleteI have never been pregnant but last week before my period was to start, I analyzed every pain, I swear I was nauseous and took tests starting 6 days out before the missed period as the box says you can do. Well, period came Saturday...bummer! I don't know how we are to turn off our brains...I wish we could for matters like this. Hang in there, you are a strong woman!
Oh God Notie. I wish I had some magical words that would make you feel better, but I don't. Every month before March I would curse the fact that every pre period symptom is exactly like pregnancy symptoms and even when I knew logically that pregnancy wasn't in the cards that month I still would obsess over my 'symptoms'. Even my body seemed to betray me. Months that were hopeful my period would even be as much as a week late. So my hope would be soaring and then I'd take a test, it would be negative and literally that night my period would start. I don't know when it gets better, but I do know that it helps to have friends who you can scream and rage to. You can scream and rage to me anytime Notie.
ReplyDeleteP.S. the word verification today is scableg. That's gross.
I am sorry:(
ReplyDeleteas long as i have you, everything else is gravy on the cake... icing on the pie... IT'S MORE THAN I COULD HAVE ASKED FOR.
ReplyDeleteLoveYourFace.
I love you both, and any baby would be hitting the jackpot to get you two as parents. But if it doesn't happen, you two are still one of the greatest families I've ever seen. Much love.
ReplyDeleteOh honey, I'm so sorry. I know the feeling.
ReplyDeleteYou're not crazy. It's awful the way early pregnancy and pre-period symptoms are identical. I would feel the same as you - always that little flicker of hope. *hugs*
ReplyDeleteI'm in the SAME EXACT BOAT!! I would kill for a month where I don't start wondering "Am I?" and then mentally planning and freaking out and if I say anything to anyone I feel foolish because of COURSE I'm not. But if I DO happen to have a month like that? I'll complain about some random twinge or be moody and my husband will ask me if I'm pregnant. Which starts me wondering. SO ANNOYING!!
ReplyDelete(sorry for the all-caps. I just happen to have THREE raging symptoms and it's forever until I can accurately take a test, so I am seriously feeling your pain right now!)
Ughhh, I'm sorry :( I remember those months and months and months of feeling like that. In some ways I still do it though, even though I'm on the pill and not planning to have more kids... The Crazy in my brain makes me think every month for a day or so that it would be wonderful to accidentally get pregnant, I think it must feel great to have that sort of an accident.
ReplyDelete